My family and I live in a Bible college community. Every year some of the families move out - some move closer in to college, others finish their degrees and head out into their ministry "careers". It's always sad to see a good friend go, and then exciting to see who will move in next. Normally I get quite stressed about meeting and befriending our new neighbours (I still see myself as I did in high school - a bit awkward and not
particularly well-liked), but I'm glad to say that I've calmed down a bit this year. I haven't been rushing off to introduce myself to our new neighbours in case someone else gets in first and they decide that I don't measure up (oh, the positive self-talk...). Instead I've been taking things a little more slowly and trying to take advantage of opportunities to spend time with our new neighbours and get to know them better. It's been good! I am starting wonder how I can keep up with all these new friends, as well as all the other things that are going on in our week - *happy sigh*.
This has also got me thinking about a comment that I heard about friendship and exclusive language, from Ray Galea, during an Equip Ministry Wives question time, . It went something along the lines of him never referring to anyone except for his wife as his 'best friend', otherwise it can make other people feel like they are excluded, bracketed off into an inferior class of friendship. I don't know if you've thought about this before, but I've definitely felt the sting of it previously. I can clearly recall spending time with a friend when they have referred to, "My best friend Taloulah..." It's not that they were trying to put me in my place, or establish a hierarchy of friendship, but (especially to one as sensitive as my insecure little heart) it can kind of feel like that. It's something that I've tried to take on board, especially when developing new relationships.
This is not to say that we shouldn't have any especially close friendships, after all, as Proverbs 18:24 says, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." But perhaps we should be mindful of the way that we refer to them amongst other friends. Let me tell you about the oldest friend of mine that I'm still in contact with. My friend that "sticks closer than a brother". Our friendship was born at the tender age of 13 when we were our local youth group rejects - well, I really shouldn't speak on behalf of my friend on that count, but I know that I definitely didn't feel as hip or cool as the other kids. I think this kind of genesis was the "Mount Doom" of friendship forging - seemingly indestructible. Plenty of other new and wonderful close friends have come along but today she is still one of my dearest friends and I miss her very much (she currently lives in another state). I hope and pray that this friendship will continue life-long.
The BBC News estimates that we can handle between about 6-12 close friends in our lives. Aristotle says that we are not truly friends until we have "eaten salt together", or spent enough time to be able to call ourselves friends. I'm not sure how this number is going to work out for me, but whilst in ministry, and especially while we're living in a Bible college community, I'm going to try not to put up too many barriers to creating new and hopefully some deep, friendships.
Photo is by ol'pete on Flickr.
That was a really interesting post Bec. When I reflect back on high school, I know we were certainly never cool, but I think we were all pretty well adjusted. I know, like most people, I could be a crappy friend sometimes but on the whole I think that, while done of us would have won Miss Popularity, I think we all turned out pretty normal. I think you should delight in the knowledge that you were a consistent, generous friend, who wanted to be friends because you actually liked someone, not because they were cool or had great hair!! I really like what you wrote about the 'best friend' thing...I agree, especially now as adults as I have quite a few wonderful friends, but I feel weird calling any of them my 'best' friend as they are all wonderful and unique and the word 'best' always implies someone is valued over another. Anyway, that's all a bit deep and meaningful for 7:30 in the morning but sending positive thoughts for when you meet your new neighbours.
ReplyDeleteHey Anna,
ReplyDeleteIt's great to hear from you!!! Thanks heaps for your reply! I agree, we weren't super popular, but that doesn't really bother me. I also would much rather be a great friend than play to the larger high school crowd. It was more of a comment on how I saw myself then and how I continue to anticipate people will perceive me now. I'm generally more than happy to be daggy and a little bit odd now, but I guess I'm still surprised when new people I meet seem to like me quickly. Not sure if that makes sense. Am checking out your shop too - very exciting!!
It's such an interesting topic Bek! I think it can be a real difficult issue, worrying about how others see you. At the time I didn't take it, but my Dad gave me really good advice as a teenager that I think is the best friendship adviced I've ever had (except for the Bible's of course). Dad told me that friendship is not about what people think about you, but about being a friend to the people around you. I've found at times when I've stopped thinking about how people view me and just started looking out for who I can be a friend too, it makes such a difference. Pity it took me 8-10 years to actually take the advice on board ;P
ReplyDeleteI am really enjoying your blog friend :)
I was there to hear Ray Galea speak too, and also was impacted by this point. I've started saying 'my dear friend....' instead of 'best friend', because that language takes out the hierarchy and is inclusive. I can have lots of dear friends. I say to my girls that because they are sisters they are always 'best friends' - in response to the tears caused by "she said she's not my friend" - I guess because of the permanency of the sister relationship I use that term... but will reflect on it to see if there is a better one.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your post,
Caroline E